Codependency

Well, this is a term you hear all of the time. Basically, it means that your happiness is dependent on someone else's happiness. Usually, you bend over backwards trying to satisfy others or just your significant other because that is the only way you can feel good about yourself. However, like any addictive behavior, the good feeling wears off, and you must hustle around creating everyone else's "happy place" all over again. You exhaust yourself creating a make-believe atmosphere that goes "poof" the minute your other half is in a bad mood. You are pretty sure you must have caused it, and even if you didn't, then you feel you must fix it...immediately!

I am notorious for this and have been most of my life. It's strange because people who are often considered codependent are also often accused of being selfish. This sounds like a deep contrast, and it has taken me years to figure this one out. :) You think that you are killing yourself for everyone else (and well, on the surface, you are!), but deep inside, that effort is really for you. You want peace of mind. You want happiness. You believe down deep inside that creating the perfect little world for others will get you what you want. Often, the person you are so connected too will accuse you of being selfish. It's because you are so intent on your focus that it can make you seem miserable. Others can sometimes see what you are doing to yourself and will call you out on it by saying that you are self-centered or selfish. You, on the other hand, can't believe what they are saying since you spend all of your time focused on their happiness. Right? Or do you really?

I think this codependent strategy for living maybe works sometimes, but it is a risky bet. Whenever things go awry, you are covered in guilt because you couldn't keep it "perfect". Others are not happy, and you feel that it is your fault. Then, you find yourself working three times harder to make things better for everyone else. It is a vicious cycle of hurt feelings and let-downs that people around you may not even recognize. When that happens, not only do you feel guilt for not creating a perfect situation, but you also feel unappreciated because no one noticed your efforts or did not acknowledge them. Resentment builds along with all of your guilt. You love these "dependent" people in your life, but man, you wish that they reciprocated all of the effort and love you send their way.

So, what do you do? That's the question. I have been thinking about this one for a while now. I have come up with the answer. It's a two part solution that requires some serious commitment from someone who is really codependent. First, you have to set down the dependents. Seriously, you carry them around on your back. I suggest telling he or she or they, "I have not been taking care of myself. I spend a lot of my time worrying about whether you are happy or not or how I can keep you happy. I really can't do that all of the time. I love you very much, but I realize that your happiness is up to you. If you really need me to do something, just ask, and if I seem to being doing too much, please tell me." It's o.k. to have this type of conversation. The people in your life may or may not recognize what you are talking about, but just you saying it out loud will help you start to let go of the "responsibility bag" that you carry. Then, you have to actually let it go. Of course, this will be very hard for the real codependent person. You need to start thinking about how you have to shift your focus from keeping everyone else happy to doing something to make you happy. Something that is not tied to someone else's happiness! Believe it or not, many people in your life will be relieved that you have stopped "hovering" around them.

The second part of this is much easier than changing this bored-in part of your day to day personality. This part will give you support in your endeavors and will allow you to still contribute greatly to the happiness of those around you. The more you do this next part, the more successful you will be. The happier you will be, and in turn, the happier those around you will be. The second part is to create another "codependent-type" relationship. This one is healthy though because of whom you are going to create it with! Start praying. Creating this type of relationship with God will get you the results you want. Pray that you can get over your issues. Pray that others around you can find their "happy place" without you trying to make it happen for them. Become dependent on God. Praying, listening, looking for God each day is something that you can do that pleases God. God, in turn and unlike the people around you, can see your efforts inside of you. He knows your heart, and He will show appreciation for your efforts through the blessings you will receive from that relationship that you build with Him. Warning: This is not an overnight-hey-I prayed-and-now-everything-is-cool type of endeavor. It will take time to break your old habits and make healthy new ones. Keep praying and really mean what you pray. Change will happen. :)