Compassion

I have been thinking a lot about what compassion really means. It's a word we hear a lot, but I haven't really pondered its meaning or why it's important. I recently read a book that talked about  being compassionate as being one of the most important traits a person could have- not for everyone else but for yourself. Maybe a week a later, I started reading another book that focused on David and all of his troubles from Goliath to Saul and after. That man made a lot of mistakes! He would be so close to God and thinking so clearly and receiving so many blessings; then, he would screw it up big time! Over and over, he would come to God, rely on God, and receive help from God. Inevitably, he would stray off on his own course and end up in misery. Much like most of us, his intentions were usually pretty good, just a little out of focus because we forget what to focus on from day to day.

So, how does compassion play into the story of David? David often did exactly what all children of good parents do. He copied the parent's behavior. Despite David's rather consistent mistakes, he still wanted to please his Father, God. So, he would copy God. When David made mistakes, no matter how crazy they were, God always showed David compassion. Real compassion. The "I love you anyway. I hurt to know that you are hurting. Let me hold you and make it better. I genuinely feel bad for you "-kind of compassion. David followed that model. Saul chased David down for years. He worked to make David miserable, but when David had opportunities to kill Saul, he chose compassion instead.

This week at school, I had given a poetry assignment. The students had to create poetry books that consisted of 16 different poems. Each poem had a specific rhyme scheme or theme. One of the poems was to be about "My Enemy". I told the kids they could write about someone that was causing them problems, a class that was driving them crazy, whatever they could consider to be something that was an enemy for them right now. I instructed they could not use names :) One girl wrote a poem that was filled with anger and agitation, and she dropped the name of this "enemy" at the end. I read the rough draft. I gave it back to her. She seemed quite proud of herself, but when I made no verbal response to the poem, her face changed a little. The next day, she asked me about the poem. I ask her how it made her feel. She said that at first it felt good to get that stuff off her chest, but then later that night, she felt just as bad as she had before. She explained why she didn't like this girl. I asked her if she had any idea why this other student would cause these problems for her. She had some ideas. We talked awhile about this, and she came to the conclusion that it would be better to write about math class. She decided that even though this other girl had hurt her, she really didn't need to say hurtful things about her or to her. She decided that this other girl had "stuff" going on that was causing her to act the way she was. She decided to be compassionate. She came to the conclusion that being compassionate and forgiving made her feel better than being vindictive and malicious with her words.

It's valuable lesson. When we feel bad, we are so quick to take it out on others or on the people who have made us feel rotten. When we do, we only feel better for a little bit, and then the yucky feelings come back. When we show compassion to others, the good feelings stay, and we can be certain that we are doing something that pleases God. Anything that we can do to please God is always a step toward increasing our faith. :)

The Only Thing We Have to Fear

President Roosevelt said in his first inauguration speech that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." It is a very famous one-liner that we hear often. It is often said in regards to tyring something new or unknown to us. For some reason, this statement has been in my head for the last several weeks, and I  had a hard time figuring out why. It seemingly came from nowhere. Then, I remembered I had just finished reading a book by Dr. Claire Weekes. She was a rather famous psychologist that was well-known for dealing with people who suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. The basic premise of her work was that anxiety and panic come from fear. Eliminate your fearful perception of things, and you can eliminate the terrible symptoms of anxiety and panic that can you leave debilitated for months or even years. She talks about a "second fear". The second fear is the fear that is caused by the feelings of being afraid. It sounds a little odd, but it really is true. I have tried some of her ideas on myself, and sure enough, I have discovered that one of my big problems is fear.
Fear can bring us to our knees. It creeps in during silent times when we should be able to relax. It brings with it a racing heart, a pounding head, a feeling of dizziness, unsureness and/or unexplained muscle pain. Not to mention what it does to our minds! The more we dwell on fear, the greater the fears become. They grow and multiply. They morph into monstrous entities that run all over us... IF we let them.
For me, I was never really afraid of much...until the last few years. Suddenly, I became afraid of everything! Of course, if I look at the last three years of my life, it has been abundant with change. Big change. A divorce (finally) finalized. A new beau turned husband. Three moves. Yes, three. The loss of a pregnancy at 17 weeks. A 16 yr old son with a driver's license. Not to mention what all of those things really encompass.
Sometimes, I think we are really hard on ourselves. We think, "I can handle it. I need to be tough." Then, when for whatever reason we can't handle it, we beat ourselves up. Severely! When my ex-husband and I were first "exchanging" my daughter for the weekends, I was a nervous wreck. I was terrified of something happen to her since I wouldn't be with her. I was scared to death of my ex because he had made some extremely violent shows of his temper during our separation and divorce. Deep inside, I was afraid he might kill me. He had threatened to come to my job and start trouble. It was so embarrassing to have to let the school's security officer and the principal know what was going on, but they had to know. Just in case. I don't think I registered my reaction to this fear though until much later on when the fear had actually passed. I had spent months a complete nervous wreck pretending that I wasn't because I had even noticed I was a nervous wreck. It was just the beginning. It was the first fear, and many followed. Fear of losing my new husband. Fear of my children getting hurt. Fear of dying. Fear of losing my mind. Fear of disappointing anyone-I mean anyone. Then came the fears of something being wrong with our baby, and then there was something wrong. Very wrong. Afterward, there was the fear of not being "ok". There were doctors appointments and waiting. My nervous system was completely fried. I couldn't stand noise or bright light or talking to people for very long. Well, hello! I am a 7th grade teacher! I am surrounding by loud and bright all day! Fears had literally left me with terrible physical symptoms to deal with (like I had to wear earplugs in my classroom for a while to muffle any noise). I really thought I was losing my mind, so I took great comfort in reading Dr. Weekes' book which explained my physical symptoms and gave me some strategies to combat those anxious feelings.
I also took comfort in God. "Come unto me and I will give you rest," took on a whole new meaning for me. Praying became more than just talking to God. It has become more like a picture of a child that crawls onto a parent's lap seeking comfort and encouragement, and I find it speaking to God, reading His word, and meditating on the meaning. Dr. Weekes says in one of her books regarding those who can rely on God to help them with their fears, "So to tell people to put their faith in God and let Him cure them works only for those who have such faith and know how to apply it. These are indeed blessed!"(from Hope and Help for Your Nerves). Yes, faith again. It takes faith to do almost anything. It takes faith to reach out of the quagmire of fear and despair and sorrow and hold on to God and believe He will pull you out! Your faith may come naturally, or you may struggle to sustain the smallest amount, but it will grow during your desperation when you seek out the Father through your prayer and through reading the scriptures.

Codependency

Well, this is a term you hear all of the time. Basically, it means that your happiness is dependent on someone else's happiness. Usually, you bend over backwards trying to satisfy others or just your significant other because that is the only way you can feel good about yourself. However, like any addictive behavior, the good feeling wears off, and you must hustle around creating everyone else's "happy place" all over again. You exhaust yourself creating a make-believe atmosphere that goes "poof" the minute your other half is in a bad mood. You are pretty sure you must have caused it, and even if you didn't, then you feel you must fix it...immediately!

I am notorious for this and have been most of my life. It's strange because people who are often considered codependent are also often accused of being selfish. This sounds like a deep contrast, and it has taken me years to figure this one out. :) You think that you are killing yourself for everyone else (and well, on the surface, you are!), but deep inside, that effort is really for you. You want peace of mind. You want happiness. You believe down deep inside that creating the perfect little world for others will get you what you want. Often, the person you are so connected too will accuse you of being selfish. It's because you are so intent on your focus that it can make you seem miserable. Others can sometimes see what you are doing to yourself and will call you out on it by saying that you are self-centered or selfish. You, on the other hand, can't believe what they are saying since you spend all of your time focused on their happiness. Right? Or do you really?

I think this codependent strategy for living maybe works sometimes, but it is a risky bet. Whenever things go awry, you are covered in guilt because you couldn't keep it "perfect". Others are not happy, and you feel that it is your fault. Then, you find yourself working three times harder to make things better for everyone else. It is a vicious cycle of hurt feelings and let-downs that people around you may not even recognize. When that happens, not only do you feel guilt for not creating a perfect situation, but you also feel unappreciated because no one noticed your efforts or did not acknowledge them. Resentment builds along with all of your guilt. You love these "dependent" people in your life, but man, you wish that they reciprocated all of the effort and love you send their way.

So, what do you do? That's the question. I have been thinking about this one for a while now. I have come up with the answer. It's a two part solution that requires some serious commitment from someone who is really codependent. First, you have to set down the dependents. Seriously, you carry them around on your back. I suggest telling he or she or they, "I have not been taking care of myself. I spend a lot of my time worrying about whether you are happy or not or how I can keep you happy. I really can't do that all of the time. I love you very much, but I realize that your happiness is up to you. If you really need me to do something, just ask, and if I seem to being doing too much, please tell me." It's o.k. to have this type of conversation. The people in your life may or may not recognize what you are talking about, but just you saying it out loud will help you start to let go of the "responsibility bag" that you carry. Then, you have to actually let it go. Of course, this will be very hard for the real codependent person. You need to start thinking about how you have to shift your focus from keeping everyone else happy to doing something to make you happy. Something that is not tied to someone else's happiness! Believe it or not, many people in your life will be relieved that you have stopped "hovering" around them.

The second part of this is much easier than changing this bored-in part of your day to day personality. This part will give you support in your endeavors and will allow you to still contribute greatly to the happiness of those around you. The more you do this next part, the more successful you will be. The happier you will be, and in turn, the happier those around you will be. The second part is to create another "codependent-type" relationship. This one is healthy though because of whom you are going to create it with! Start praying. Creating this type of relationship with God will get you the results you want. Pray that you can get over your issues. Pray that others around you can find their "happy place" without you trying to make it happen for them. Become dependent on God. Praying, listening, looking for God each day is something that you can do that pleases God. God, in turn and unlike the people around you, can see your efforts inside of you. He knows your heart, and He will show appreciation for your efforts through the blessings you will receive from that relationship that you build with Him. Warning: This is not an overnight-hey-I prayed-and-now-everything-is-cool type of endeavor. It will take time to break your old habits and make healthy new ones. Keep praying and really mean what you pray. Change will happen. :)

A Father for All of Us

A Father for All of Us

When I was two years old, my parents were divorced. My father had nothing to do with me after that. My mother remarried when I was four. Although my stepfather was a good provider, we were never really close until I was in my thirties. I spent my pre-teen years wondering about my “real” dad. When I was seventeen, I got the chance to meet him. It was awkward at best. He was very emotional. I was not. Why would I be? I went looking for him, not the other way around. So, in my mind, I new that he had no desire to know me. I think he was emotional because of his guilt.

We stayed in contact for a few years. Holiday visits and the occasional phone call. I had three sisters that I was trying to get to know, but then something happened. The one sister I was actually blood related to stopped being at their house when I would come around. She was never home when I called. Months and months passed. Although they lived in another state, I was still making an effort to be part of a family that I can see now didn’t really want me there. I was working with a girl who mentioned my dad’s name in a passing comment. I asked her how she knew him. She told me that he was her uncle because he had married her aunt. She then told me all about the baby that my sister had several months ago and how upset my father had been about her getting pregnant while she was in high school. So, he hid it from me. He actually was shipping her off every time I would mention coming to see them. I was very hurt. It just solidified what I already knew to be true, I had no place with these people.

So, I broke all ties. That was over 15 years ago, and I still cry about the experience. I work in a profession where I see abandoned children all of the time. Parents that just leave or stay but might as well not be there. Sometimes, these kids break down in conferences or even in the classroom. They break down under the absence of a parent’s love. It is amazing that something that is not there at all can weigh so heavy on a person.

It has taken me years to come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that this man had no interest in me. For all of the children whose parent(s) have cast them aside for whatever reason, it really doesn’t matter. It is hurtful. They are missing out, but we can not allow ourselves to feel “not good enough” or not valuable because someone didn’t care enough to care. The sooner children can learn to depend on God as their father, the better off they will be. They can avoid bad relationships and desperately seeking the approval of others to make up for the lack of approval from a parent. God does care about us. He does value us. He is interested. When we knock on his door, he will not hide from us or turn us away. When we are willing to accept his love, He is a Father for all of us.

That's What Friends Are For

Two are better than one, 
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down, 
his friend can help him up. 
But pity the man who falls 
and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version


Now, why didn't I realize that a long time ago? The truth is that so many of us are "burned" by so-called friends that we just stop forming close ties with anyone. I know I did. Up until recently, I really believed that it was best just not to have "friends". Acquaintances were o.k.--they don't know every little thing about you, but real "friends"--that's too close. In turn, you just keep all of your feelings inside and don't share them with anyone except maybe your spouse. Spouses are great, but even they can only handle so much of a burden. So, you must have friends which means you must learn to trust that there is someone out there who will actually care about you enough to be true.

 I have a lot of people in my life that I would say, "Oh yeah, she and I are friends. We work together" or some variation of that. That is one level of friendship. It's an important level because you need friendly relationships to get through each day. I tend to think that even more so of a job like mine because I am not confined to a cubicle. Instead, I am bombarded with 7th graders all day. After spending a lot of time (most of my time) with that age group, you start to lose your sense of adulthood. Not that you regress to childhood, you just lose yourself in their problems, worries, arguments, frustrations, and there are so many of them! :) So, friendly adult conversation is important for sanity's sake! That being said, it is a pretty shallow level of friendship. Don't get me wrong, if anyone at my job needs a shoulder to cry on, I am there. I have wore my counseling hat (knew that psych degree would come in handy for something) on more than one occasion. It's not the same because friendship is a reciprocal relationship. It isn't just one way. The "unloading" of burdens and 
venting must be a two-way street. And there's the rub! In order for a deeper friendship to happen, I must trust someone with my joys and burdens. Ouch-it's like ripping off a band-aid!


Someone shared a problem with me the other day. It was a matter of a friendship gone awry. She had been hurt deeply by someone that she had been friends with for a very long time. She told me that she knew she was also to blame for the collapse of the friendship and that she had begged forgiveness from her friend, but it hasn't come yet. After months of trying to get her friend to see her sincerity, forgiveness has not come. I felt so bad for her as she was telling me this; I knew how she felt. Something very similar had happened to me years ago. My very best friend in the whole world just stopped. Stopped. She canceled a lunch date with me. When I called her, she wouldn't return my calls. Someone told me that her husband had decided I was not a good influence because I had recently gone through a divorce. He forbid her to see me anymore. This is someone I was friends with since my freshman year in high school! Or so I thought.So as I listened to this person's story, her words filled with pain, my heart filled with compassion. I know the hurt of that kind of betrayal. Here is something to consider.  When others refuse to forgive us, we need to recognize that they are not seeing the big picture. For some reason, they are blind to the hurt that they may be causing. So what should we do? Should we carry that hurt with us day after day? No. We just turn around, and in our hearts, we forgive them. We don't have to tell them (if they are aggravated, that may just make it worse). We just have to know that we have put our true self out there for them, for whatever reason they rejected it, and we forgive them for that anyway. 
(Ephesians 4:32)  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.
As I thought about the concept of friendship, I began to weave it into my search for more faith. I realize that God wants us to have friends. He knows that we need them, and if we asked for his guidance, he will direct us toward true friendship. Sometimes, when a friendship falls apart and there seems to be no way of repair, it may be that God has something better in store. He has something different planned. He may see an opportunity for a deeper level of friendship for you somewhere else. We just need to remember that he does not want us to be alone, and he will guide us to the right people. :)

Why Ask Why? Part 2

Why Ask Why? Part 2

In thinking about things that just seem to go so wrong in our lives, it’s apparent, when we really think about it, that things go wrong because of poor decision making. We aren’t seeking God’s help and guidance, so we make the wrong choices. But what about when things go wrong that seemingly have nothing to do with decision making? Things that seem completely out of our control.

Shortly after I found out that I was pregnant, I had some very confusing lab results come back. After switching doctors and running more tests, it was confirmed that everything in my blood work was fine. However, this was very traumatic for my husband and for me. There is nothing like having a doctor tell you should just terminate this pregnancy. Even after the initial problem was resolved, things still didn’t feel right. We were a nervous wreck for the following months. That’s when we were praying like crazy for God to intervene. Something still wasn’t right. I knew it.

Months later when we lost our baby, I tried not to ask, “why”. What good would it do anyway, right? It took several weeks for us to get a genetic diagnosis of Trisomy 18. When we got the diagnosis, I researched what it was. Only 5% of babies with T-18 ever make it to term. Only 1% live, and all die before the age of 1 year. Wow! I had no idea. As I read about the trials and suffering of these babies when they do make it to term, I realized that God had intervened. Trisomy 18 happens immediately at conception had can not be detected for months. It has nothing to do with what parents eat or do. It just happens sometimes. The heartbreak of losing the baby at 17 weeks was intense, but I think that God knew we could have never handled the heartbreak of losing the baby at birth or a week later or a month later. Period.

So instead of asking why when something happens that it seems you have had no control over. You couldn’t have stopped it or changed it. Ask what. What can I take from this? What can I share with others that may help them? What does God want me to do with this experience? Whether it’s illness, loss of a loved one, loss of financial security, loss of your dreams even—Don’t ask why. Ask what instead. What do I do with this experience that will bring hope and healing for me and others?

Why Ask Why? Part 1

Over the years, I have had my share of let-downs. Actually, I feel like I have had more than my share of let-downs. I think everybody feels that way sometimes. You feel like, “This is not what I wanted” or “This is not what I worked for”. And a hundred other variations of the same complaint. As I have gotten older, I have realized that these complaints are really just a version of the question. “Why?” –Why is this happening to me? Sometimes, there may be no logical answer at first, or you may never see a logical answer. I think a lot of the time though, you can look back and find a source of what brought you to your presumed state of distress. In short, the answer to the question “why” is often traced right back to something you said or did or didn’t do and should have.

I think this is true in business, money, relationships, pretty much anything. When I was going through my last divorce, I keep thinking “Why is this happening to me again?” It didn’t take me long to come up with the answer. I started thinking about all of my failed relationships, friendships and even family ties that have been broken. They all seemed to fail for different reasons in my mind, but they had one thing in common…me. I don’t think I am a terrible person. I know I am not. I know I am worthy of love and friendship because I am God’s, but just because I belong to God doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. In my quest to increase my faith, I have certainly had to take a good look at myself, though. I have spent a lot of time blaming others when things go wrong and little time doing the soul-searching that is required to grow. People who know me very well would say, “Yeah, but he was cheating on you”, or “Well, she told lies about you”. Although those things were true in those circumstances, you have to go further back before those let-downs to see that I should have known better in the first place.

Why do so many of us become involved with toxic people? Boyfriends, work friends, girl friends, you name it. Even members of our own family that we know we shouldn’t hang out with because they are poison. Why did my marriages fail? That’s easy to answer. Because I had no business being with those people in the first place. They weren’t for me. I wasn’t for them. Why have I had friendships turn bad? Because I had no business being with those people in the first place!

So, who is genuine? Who can you trust? I believe that you can trust your instincts about people…when you put your trust in God. God gave me the husband I share my life with now. (We know that for a fact, but that’s another story.) I don’t have to second-guess my relationship with him. I have spent several years drawing away from friends. I usually can put on a good show at work. I seem friendly enough, but I keep people at a distance. Suddenly, I find God is sending me people to trust. There are clues for me here and there that let me know, “Yep, this one I can talk to”. God speaks to us all of the time about what we should and should not do. So many of us are waiting for those “signs from God”—lightening flashes and a mighty voice booming in our ears. We grow up knowing that we hear with our ears; I guess that’s why we miss His messages. He doesn’t speak to our ears; He speaks to our hearts. If we are listening with our hearts, we won’t have to ask “why” anymore because we will stop making mistakes that steer us on the wrong path.

Here We Go

I usually wake up around 4:30am every morning. No alarm clock needed. Like many others in today's world, I find myself plagued with racing thoughts that keep me from falling back asleep, so I just get up. My habit is to get up, put the coffee on, turn on the gas logs, and do thirty minutes of yoga every morning. Yoga is something fairly new to me. I am not all about "transcending" through meditation. I have just spent the last 2 years in one extremely stressful situation after another with no break. Therefore, I have managed to develop some serious problems associated with anxiety. You know the usual culprits-panic attacks, migraines, MAV(migraine associated vertigo), chronic muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders, TMJ disorder. Yeah. It has been a brutal way to live that most people can't possibly understand the physical pain and anxiety involved. So, yoga. However, I do my yoga with a twist. Some people say a little mantra as they hit and hold their poses. Others, "ohm" or even count. I repeat certain bible verses for certain poses. When I am in "child's pose", I pray. Hard. Sometimes, I pray until tears are just streaming down my face. I realize this sounds like it would be counter-productive to the "relaxing" that is supposed to be taking place, but I have found that this ritual is becoming the anchor for my day. The foundation for the day. I can get out my worries to God before I set foot out of the house.

We live in a world that deceives us everyday. There is no end to it. It is so easy to fall into "the world". And what's worse is that once your in there, it is so hard to get out! John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim's Progress wrote about a place called the "slough of despond". When I was reading the book, I thought of that as being "hard times" that we get stuck in during our lives. Now, I can see it as "the world" in general. I have spent most of my life in this "slough". Failed relationships, smashed plans, all of the things that are evidence of being stuck in that mire. For me, I have decades worth of evidence piled up. I am lucky that God forgives our mistakes.

I was raised in church. You know the drill. Every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, most Wednesday nights. It didn't really help me much because by the time I was 16, I was already quite determined to go my own way. Of course, I chose the rockiest most uphill way I could find and stayed on it for years and years. Occasionally, I would look toward the better path, maybe even take a few steps that way, but I always thought I knew best and would continue making the same mistakes over and over again.

This past summer, my husband and I went through one of the most heart-breaking experiences ever. At 36 years old, I was lucky enough to get pregnant as soon as we started trying. I have two children from previous husbands (yes, that was plural). My husband has no children, and we were so excited. At 17 weeks, we went in for the routine exam. There was no heartbeat. The ultrasound showed that the baby had passed away. We were devastated. To some degree, we still are. The baby had Trisomy 18, which is  like a severe form of Downs-Syndrome that is completely incompatible with life. I had already developed anxiety problems before this every happened. I was hoping that a healthy baby would relieve that and calm me down. So much for that.

After this, my husband and I started praying together each night to pull ourselves closer. Closer to each other. Closer to God. Since that time, I have been on a mission to increase my faith. It's hard. Look around. It feels like the world is falling apart. I just have to remember that's o.k. "The world" is the problem anyway.

Months have passed. I have read a lot, prayed a lot, hoped a lot. I still suffer, but it's getting better. God's not holding my hand; he's carrying me.