Well, this is a term you hear all of the time. Basically, it means that your happiness is dependent on someone else's happiness. Usually, you bend over backwards trying to satisfy others or just your significant other because that is the only way you can feel good about yourself. However, like any addictive behavior, the good feeling wears off, and you must hustle around creating everyone else's "happy place" all over again. You exhaust yourself creating a make-believe atmosphere that goes "poof" the minute your other half is in a bad mood. You are pretty sure you must have caused it, and even if you didn't, then you feel you must fix it...immediately!
I am notorious for this and have been most of my life. It's strange because people who are often considered codependent are also often accused of being selfish. This sounds like a deep contrast, and it has taken me years to figure this one out. :) You think that you are killing yourself for everyone else (and well, on the surface, you are!), but deep inside, that effort is really for you. You want peace of mind. You want happiness. You believe down deep inside that creating the perfect little world for others will get you what you want. Often, the person you are so connected too will accuse you of being selfish. It's because you are so intent on your focus that it can make you seem miserable. Others can sometimes see what you are doing to yourself and will call you out on it by saying that you are self-centered or selfish. You, on the other hand, can't believe what they are saying since you spend all of your time focused on their happiness. Right? Or do you really?
I think this codependent strategy for living maybe works sometimes, but it is a risky bet. Whenever things go awry, you are covered in guilt because you couldn't keep it "perfect". Others are not happy, and you feel that it is your fault. Then, you find yourself working three times harder to make things better for everyone else. It is a vicious cycle of hurt feelings and let-downs that people around you may not even recognize. When that happens, not only do you feel guilt for not creating a perfect situation, but you also feel unappreciated because no one noticed your efforts or did not acknowledge them. Resentment builds along with all of your guilt. You love these "dependent" people in your life, but man, you wish that they reciprocated all of the effort and love you send their way.
So, what do you do? That's the question. I have been thinking about this one for a while now. I have come up with the answer. It's a two part solution that requires some serious commitment from someone who is really codependent. First, you have to set down the dependents. Seriously, you carry them around on your back. I suggest telling he or she or they, "I have not been taking care of myself. I spend a lot of my time worrying about whether you are happy or not or how I can keep you happy. I really can't do that all of the time. I love you very much, but I realize that your happiness is up to you. If you really need me to do something, just ask, and if I seem to being doing too much, please tell me." It's o.k. to have this type of conversation. The people in your life may or may not recognize what you are talking about, but just you saying it out loud will help you start to let go of the "responsibility bag" that you carry. Then, you have to actually let it go. Of course, this will be very hard for the real codependent person. You need to start thinking about how you have to shift your focus from keeping everyone else happy to doing something to make you happy. Something that is not tied to someone else's happiness! Believe it or not, many people in your life will be relieved that you have stopped "hovering" around them.
The second part of this is much easier than changing this bored-in part of your day to day personality. This part will give you support in your endeavors and will allow you to still contribute greatly to the happiness of those around you. The more you do this next part, the more successful you will be. The happier you will be, and in turn, the happier those around you will be. The second part is to create another "codependent-type" relationship. This one is healthy though because of whom you are going to create it with! Start praying. Creating this type of relationship with God will get you the results you want. Pray that you can get over your issues. Pray that others around you can find their "happy place" without you trying to make it happen for them. Become dependent on God. Praying, listening, looking for God each day is something that you can do that pleases God. God, in turn and unlike the people around you, can see your efforts inside of you. He knows your heart, and He will show appreciation for your efforts through the blessings you will receive from that relationship that you build with Him. Warning: This is not an overnight-hey-I prayed-and-now-everything-is-cool type of endeavor. It will take time to break your old habits and make healthy new ones. Keep praying and really mean what you pray. Change will happen. :)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Father for All of Us
A Father for All of Us
When I was two years old, my parents were divorced. My father had nothing to do with me after that. My mother remarried when I was four. Although my stepfather was a good provider, we were never really close until I was in my thirties. I spent my pre-teen years wondering about my “real” dad. When I was seventeen, I got the chance to meet him. It was awkward at best. He was very emotional. I was not. Why would I be? I went looking for him, not the other way around. So, in my mind, I new that he had no desire to know me. I think he was emotional because of his guilt.
We stayed in contact for a few years. Holiday visits and the occasional phone call. I had three sisters that I was trying to get to know, but then something happened. The one sister I was actually blood related to stopped being at their house when I would come around. She was never home when I called. Months and months passed. Although they lived in another state, I was still making an effort to be part of a family that I can see now didn’t really want me there. I was working with a girl who mentioned my dad’s name in a passing comment. I asked her how she knew him. She told me that he was her uncle because he had married her aunt. She then told me all about the baby that my sister had several months ago and how upset my father had been about her getting pregnant while she was in high school. So, he hid it from me. He actually was shipping her off every time I would mention coming to see them. I was very hurt. It just solidified what I already knew to be true, I had no place with these people.
So, I broke all ties. That was over 15 years ago, and I still cry about the experience. I work in a profession where I see abandoned children all of the time. Parents that just leave or stay but might as well not be there. Sometimes, these kids break down in conferences or even in the classroom. They break down under the absence of a parent’s love. It is amazing that something that is not there at all can weigh so heavy on a person.
It has taken me years to come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that this man had no interest in me. For all of the children whose parent(s) have cast them aside for whatever reason, it really doesn’t matter. It is hurtful. They are missing out, but we can not allow ourselves to feel “not good enough” or not valuable because someone didn’t care enough to care. The sooner children can learn to depend on God as their father, the better off they will be. They can avoid bad relationships and desperately seeking the approval of others to make up for the lack of approval from a parent. God does care about us. He does value us. He is interested. When we knock on his door, he will not hide from us or turn us away. When we are willing to accept his love, He is a Father for all of us.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
That's What Friends Are For
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version
Now, why didn't I realize that a long time ago? The truth is that so many of us are "burned" by so-called friends that we just stop forming close ties with anyone. I know I did. Up until recently, I really believed that it was best just not to have "friends". Acquaintances were o.k.--they don't know every little thing about you, but real "friends"--that's too close. In turn, you just keep all of your feelings inside and don't share them with anyone except maybe your spouse. Spouses are great, but even they can only handle so much of a burden. So, you must have friends which means you must learn to trust that there is someone out there who will actually care about you enough to be true.
I have a lot of people in my life that I would say, "Oh yeah, she and I are friends. We work together" or some variation of that. That is one level of friendship. It's an important level because you need friendly relationships to get through each day. I tend to think that even more so of a job like mine because I am not confined to a cubicle. Instead, I am bombarded with 7th graders all day. After spending a lot of time (most of my time) with that age group, you start to lose your sense of adulthood. Not that you regress to childhood, you just lose yourself in their problems, worries, arguments, frustrations, and there are so many of them! :) So, friendly adult conversation is important for sanity's sake! That being said, it is a pretty shallow level of friendship. Don't get me wrong, if anyone at my job needs a shoulder to cry on, I am there. I have wore my counseling hat (knew that psych degree would come in handy for something) on more than one occasion. It's not the same because friendship is a reciprocal relationship. It isn't just one way. The "unloading" of burdens and
venting must be a two-way street. And there's the rub! In order for a deeper friendship to happen, I must trust someone with my joys and burdens. Ouch-it's like ripping off a band-aid!
Someone shared a problem with me the other day. It was a matter of a friendship gone awry. She had been hurt deeply by someone that she had been friends with for a very long time. She told me that she knew she was also to blame for the collapse of the friendship and that she had begged forgiveness from her friend, but it hasn't come yet. After months of trying to get her friend to see her sincerity, forgiveness has not come. I felt so bad for her as she was telling me this; I knew how she felt. Something very similar had happened to me years ago. My very best friend in the whole world just stopped. Stopped. She canceled a lunch date with me. When I called her, she wouldn't return my calls. Someone told me that her husband had decided I was not a good influence because I had recently gone through a divorce. He forbid her to see me anymore. This is someone I was friends with since my freshman year in high school! Or so I thought.So as I listened to this person's story, her words filled with pain, my heart filled with compassion. I know the hurt of that kind of betrayal. Here is something to consider. When others refuse to forgive us, we need to recognize that they are not seeing the big picture. For some reason, they are blind to the hurt that they may be causing. So what should we do? Should we carry that hurt with us day after day? No. We just turn around, and in our hearts, we forgive them. We don't have to tell them (if they are aggravated, that may just make it worse). We just have to know that we have put our true self out there for them, for whatever reason they rejected it, and we forgive them for that anyway.
(Ephesians 4:32) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.
As I thought about the concept of friendship, I began to weave it into my search for more faith. I realize that God wants us to have friends. He knows that we need them, and if we asked for his guidance, he will direct us toward true friendship. Sometimes, when a friendship falls apart and there seems to be no way of repair, it may be that God has something better in store. He has something different planned. He may see an opportunity for a deeper level of friendship for you somewhere else. We just need to remember that he does not want us to be alone, and he will guide us to the right people. :)
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version
Now, why didn't I realize that a long time ago? The truth is that so many of us are "burned" by so-called friends that we just stop forming close ties with anyone. I know I did. Up until recently, I really believed that it was best just not to have "friends". Acquaintances were o.k.--they don't know every little thing about you, but real "friends"--that's too close. In turn, you just keep all of your feelings inside and don't share them with anyone except maybe your spouse. Spouses are great, but even they can only handle so much of a burden. So, you must have friends which means you must learn to trust that there is someone out there who will actually care about you enough to be true.
I have a lot of people in my life that I would say, "Oh yeah, she and I are friends. We work together" or some variation of that. That is one level of friendship. It's an important level because you need friendly relationships to get through each day. I tend to think that even more so of a job like mine because I am not confined to a cubicle. Instead, I am bombarded with 7th graders all day. After spending a lot of time (most of my time) with that age group, you start to lose your sense of adulthood. Not that you regress to childhood, you just lose yourself in their problems, worries, arguments, frustrations, and there are so many of them! :) So, friendly adult conversation is important for sanity's sake! That being said, it is a pretty shallow level of friendship. Don't get me wrong, if anyone at my job needs a shoulder to cry on, I am there. I have wore my counseling hat (knew that psych degree would come in handy for something) on more than one occasion. It's not the same because friendship is a reciprocal relationship. It isn't just one way. The "unloading" of burdens and
venting must be a two-way street. And there's the rub! In order for a deeper friendship to happen, I must trust someone with my joys and burdens. Ouch-it's like ripping off a band-aid!
Someone shared a problem with me the other day. It was a matter of a friendship gone awry. She had been hurt deeply by someone that she had been friends with for a very long time. She told me that she knew she was also to blame for the collapse of the friendship and that she had begged forgiveness from her friend, but it hasn't come yet. After months of trying to get her friend to see her sincerity, forgiveness has not come. I felt so bad for her as she was telling me this; I knew how she felt. Something very similar had happened to me years ago. My very best friend in the whole world just stopped. Stopped. She canceled a lunch date with me. When I called her, she wouldn't return my calls. Someone told me that her husband had decided I was not a good influence because I had recently gone through a divorce. He forbid her to see me anymore. This is someone I was friends with since my freshman year in high school! Or so I thought.So as I listened to this person's story, her words filled with pain, my heart filled with compassion. I know the hurt of that kind of betrayal. Here is something to consider. When others refuse to forgive us, we need to recognize that they are not seeing the big picture. For some reason, they are blind to the hurt that they may be causing. So what should we do? Should we carry that hurt with us day after day? No. We just turn around, and in our hearts, we forgive them. We don't have to tell them (if they are aggravated, that may just make it worse). We just have to know that we have put our true self out there for them, for whatever reason they rejected it, and we forgive them for that anyway.
(Ephesians 4:32) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.
As I thought about the concept of friendship, I began to weave it into my search for more faith. I realize that God wants us to have friends. He knows that we need them, and if we asked for his guidance, he will direct us toward true friendship. Sometimes, when a friendship falls apart and there seems to be no way of repair, it may be that God has something better in store. He has something different planned. He may see an opportunity for a deeper level of friendship for you somewhere else. We just need to remember that he does not want us to be alone, and he will guide us to the right people. :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Why Ask Why? Part 2
Why Ask Why? Part 2
In thinking about things that just seem to go so wrong in our lives, it’s apparent, when we really think about it, that things go wrong because of poor decision making. We aren’t seeking God’s help and guidance, so we make the wrong choices. But what about when things go wrong that seemingly have nothing to do with decision making? Things that seem completely out of our control.
Shortly after I found out that I was pregnant, I had some very confusing lab results come back. After switching doctors and running more tests, it was confirmed that everything in my blood work was fine. However, this was very traumatic for my husband and for me. There is nothing like having a doctor tell you should just terminate this pregnancy. Even after the initial problem was resolved, things still didn’t feel right. We were a nervous wreck for the following months. That’s when we were praying like crazy for God to intervene. Something still wasn’t right. I knew it.
Months later when we lost our baby, I tried not to ask, “why”. What good would it do anyway, right? It took several weeks for us to get a genetic diagnosis of Trisomy 18. When we got the diagnosis, I researched what it was. Only 5% of babies with T-18 ever make it to term. Only 1% live, and all die before the age of 1 year. Wow! I had no idea. As I read about the trials and suffering of these babies when they do make it to term, I realized that God had intervened. Trisomy 18 happens immediately at conception had can not be detected for months. It has nothing to do with what parents eat or do. It just happens sometimes. The heartbreak of losing the baby at 17 weeks was intense, but I think that God knew we could have never handled the heartbreak of losing the baby at birth or a week later or a month later. Period.
So instead of asking why when something happens that it seems you have had no control over. You couldn’t have stopped it or changed it. Ask what. What can I take from this? What can I share with others that may help them? What does God want me to do with this experience? Whether it’s illness, loss of a loved one, loss of financial security, loss of your dreams even—Don’t ask why. Ask what instead. What do I do with this experience that will bring hope and healing for me and others?
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