Why Ask Why? Part 1

Over the years, I have had my share of let-downs. Actually, I feel like I have had more than my share of let-downs. I think everybody feels that way sometimes. You feel like, “This is not what I wanted” or “This is not what I worked for”. And a hundred other variations of the same complaint. As I have gotten older, I have realized that these complaints are really just a version of the question. “Why?” –Why is this happening to me? Sometimes, there may be no logical answer at first, or you may never see a logical answer. I think a lot of the time though, you can look back and find a source of what brought you to your presumed state of distress. In short, the answer to the question “why” is often traced right back to something you said or did or didn’t do and should have.

I think this is true in business, money, relationships, pretty much anything. When I was going through my last divorce, I keep thinking “Why is this happening to me again?” It didn’t take me long to come up with the answer. I started thinking about all of my failed relationships, friendships and even family ties that have been broken. They all seemed to fail for different reasons in my mind, but they had one thing in common…me. I don’t think I am a terrible person. I know I am not. I know I am worthy of love and friendship because I am God’s, but just because I belong to God doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. In my quest to increase my faith, I have certainly had to take a good look at myself, though. I have spent a lot of time blaming others when things go wrong and little time doing the soul-searching that is required to grow. People who know me very well would say, “Yeah, but he was cheating on you”, or “Well, she told lies about you”. Although those things were true in those circumstances, you have to go further back before those let-downs to see that I should have known better in the first place.

Why do so many of us become involved with toxic people? Boyfriends, work friends, girl friends, you name it. Even members of our own family that we know we shouldn’t hang out with because they are poison. Why did my marriages fail? That’s easy to answer. Because I had no business being with those people in the first place. They weren’t for me. I wasn’t for them. Why have I had friendships turn bad? Because I had no business being with those people in the first place!

So, who is genuine? Who can you trust? I believe that you can trust your instincts about people…when you put your trust in God. God gave me the husband I share my life with now. (We know that for a fact, but that’s another story.) I don’t have to second-guess my relationship with him. I have spent several years drawing away from friends. I usually can put on a good show at work. I seem friendly enough, but I keep people at a distance. Suddenly, I find God is sending me people to trust. There are clues for me here and there that let me know, “Yep, this one I can talk to”. God speaks to us all of the time about what we should and should not do. So many of us are waiting for those “signs from God”—lightening flashes and a mighty voice booming in our ears. We grow up knowing that we hear with our ears; I guess that’s why we miss His messages. He doesn’t speak to our ears; He speaks to our hearts. If we are listening with our hearts, we won’t have to ask “why” anymore because we will stop making mistakes that steer us on the wrong path.

Here We Go

I usually wake up around 4:30am every morning. No alarm clock needed. Like many others in today's world, I find myself plagued with racing thoughts that keep me from falling back asleep, so I just get up. My habit is to get up, put the coffee on, turn on the gas logs, and do thirty minutes of yoga every morning. Yoga is something fairly new to me. I am not all about "transcending" through meditation. I have just spent the last 2 years in one extremely stressful situation after another with no break. Therefore, I have managed to develop some serious problems associated with anxiety. You know the usual culprits-panic attacks, migraines, MAV(migraine associated vertigo), chronic muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders, TMJ disorder. Yeah. It has been a brutal way to live that most people can't possibly understand the physical pain and anxiety involved. So, yoga. However, I do my yoga with a twist. Some people say a little mantra as they hit and hold their poses. Others, "ohm" or even count. I repeat certain bible verses for certain poses. When I am in "child's pose", I pray. Hard. Sometimes, I pray until tears are just streaming down my face. I realize this sounds like it would be counter-productive to the "relaxing" that is supposed to be taking place, but I have found that this ritual is becoming the anchor for my day. The foundation for the day. I can get out my worries to God before I set foot out of the house.

We live in a world that deceives us everyday. There is no end to it. It is so easy to fall into "the world". And what's worse is that once your in there, it is so hard to get out! John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim's Progress wrote about a place called the "slough of despond". When I was reading the book, I thought of that as being "hard times" that we get stuck in during our lives. Now, I can see it as "the world" in general. I have spent most of my life in this "slough". Failed relationships, smashed plans, all of the things that are evidence of being stuck in that mire. For me, I have decades worth of evidence piled up. I am lucky that God forgives our mistakes.

I was raised in church. You know the drill. Every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, most Wednesday nights. It didn't really help me much because by the time I was 16, I was already quite determined to go my own way. Of course, I chose the rockiest most uphill way I could find and stayed on it for years and years. Occasionally, I would look toward the better path, maybe even take a few steps that way, but I always thought I knew best and would continue making the same mistakes over and over again.

This past summer, my husband and I went through one of the most heart-breaking experiences ever. At 36 years old, I was lucky enough to get pregnant as soon as we started trying. I have two children from previous husbands (yes, that was plural). My husband has no children, and we were so excited. At 17 weeks, we went in for the routine exam. There was no heartbeat. The ultrasound showed that the baby had passed away. We were devastated. To some degree, we still are. The baby had Trisomy 18, which is  like a severe form of Downs-Syndrome that is completely incompatible with life. I had already developed anxiety problems before this every happened. I was hoping that a healthy baby would relieve that and calm me down. So much for that.

After this, my husband and I started praying together each night to pull ourselves closer. Closer to each other. Closer to God. Since that time, I have been on a mission to increase my faith. It's hard. Look around. It feels like the world is falling apart. I just have to remember that's o.k. "The world" is the problem anyway.

Months have passed. I have read a lot, prayed a lot, hoped a lot. I still suffer, but it's getting better. God's not holding my hand; he's carrying me.